Hoard of Fail
by Animelover Inf
Summary: This is the return of Retarded Locusts. This comedy contains all of the fail moments the locust hoard never wanted you to see.


Author Notes; I own nothing related to Gears of War what so ever. I am not making a single penny from writing this story. All I get in return from writing this is the chance and hope to make people laugh. Now the rating of this story is going to be M rated not just for the title, but because some more mature jokes will be found later on in these comedy skits.

Brief History; During my middle and high school years, I became a Gears of War fan. The Locust always intrigued me. So I decided to create a fan fiction about it. At the time, my grammar and spelling was terrible. Hell, it isn't much better now. But it's something...anyways, Retard Locust used to be this pieces title. Now, after years of blowing it off, I'm finally getting off my ass a bit and redoing some of the chapters! Depending on what people say, I may or may not add more chapters to this. That is all.

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"Steve...Steve...Steve! Set your lancer down for one dang ass minute and take a look at this!" A drone spoke quickly as the Boltok Pistol in his scaly, pale, sharp nailed hands lowered slowly towards the ground.

"...Why do we have human names? These are clearly human names! Why are we named after humans now? We have our own culture, were not just savage ass holes. In fact, were are extremely-" Before the Grenadier could continue his rant, anger flowing in his eyes as claws dug into the metal that created the lancer he wielded, a sharp punch to the shoulder was given from the drone.

"Dude! Were only...technically two paragraphs in and were already breaking the fourth wall? And were not even being subtle about it. You're just throwing it all out there and it shouldn't even need an explanation good sir. But do you want an explanation as to why we have human names? Do you, okay I will explain. You see, in our culture we have what humans would call weird names which to us are normal. And there is a human term for taking your own culture for the norm, but I'm not boring the audience with that. So in order to stand out from the rest, were taking human names. Why not? Were going to be taking over the surface anyways, why not borrow the good parts of their culture?" The drone explained as his arms began to cross, the pistol still being clung onto tightly.

"Okay Bob, good cover up. Or is the author of this piece of crap too lazy to come up with half way decent names? It wouldn't be that hard, would it?" Steve inquired, tone annoyed.

"Both. Now let's-" Before Bob could continue speaking, an angry shout caused the two locust to look to their right. Just a few feet away was a glowing brick wall that had a gaping hole in it. Standing besides it proved to be Damon Baird with an armful of toilet paper tubes, chewed bubble gum, super glue and some rocks found laying around.

"Hey! List you grub ass farts, every time you break the fourth wall I have to bust my ass to fix it! Now get on with this piece before this whole gets bigger!" The blond yelled in utter rage as he began to coat a toilet paper tube in chewed bubble gum and sticks it to part of the wall. In turn the gum proves to not be strong enough as it fell onto the ground. Grumbling in anger, the gear began to coat the bubble gum coated toilet paper tube with glue and pressed it harder against the fourth wall.

The two locusts only looked at the ground walker while he fixed the wall. Steve lifted his pale claw and flipped the gear off behind his back. The gun was then shoved into the holster and he began to utilize a double middle finger offense while the Grenadier let his lancer lower to the ground. Once lowered the second arm draped around the drone and began to drag him away from the fourth wall. Once drawn away from a certain distance from the mechanic, the lancer holding cleared his throat.

"What? What am I...seriously Frank? Why are you just spinning around?" Steve asked as he walked over to a boomer laying on the ground. Said boomer was slowly spinning in a circle, limbs unmoving and chest stiller than stone as the body continued to spin.

"Frank?...Frank? Are you even alive?...I have to record this." The drone spoke as his sharp nailed hand began to fish around in his pockets. A wallet of human skin was produced and shoved back into place until a camera like device emerged. Once free, the device glowed and hummed with life as the camera thingy began to focus on the spinning corps.

"...Is he dead? He's dead..." The Grenadier said slowly as the boomer began to slowly move forward.

"Wait! Come back, come back! Your leaving! No, don't go! This is going to get so many hits on Tunnel tube!" Bob chimed with joy as he began to chase after the slowly moving corps.

"Aye! We should be guarding our post and keeping an eyes out for the meat bags!" The lancer holder called out as the drone only moved further away from his squad mate.

"...How do you upload videos onto tunnel tube? I've never done that before, have you?" Was the only response earned to the annoyed locust.

"I don't know and I don't give a damn...ask Kevin, he should know. Now get your ass back here!" The Grenadier ordered firmly.

"I regret nothing!" The camera wielding drone announced as he followed down the spinning boomer corps down the street. The pace of rotation began to increase as the body continued to move.

"...This war just went to a whole new level..." Steve spoke as the lancer was dropped to the ground for a truly earned double face palm. After the lancer fell to the ground and there was an awkward silence, the weapon was gently picked back up as the scaled one looked over to Baird.

"Do you need any help or anything...normally I wouldn't offer to help a human, but I'm not even sure if I'm done here or not..."

An aggravated sigh emerged from the mechanic as the toilet paper tubes and rocks that had once started to patch up the fourth wall simply fell to the ground. Causing the gaping hole to be exposed in all of its natural glory.

"No, I'm fine. Just get off the set and stop breaking the fourth wall already." The gear ordered as the locust went to doing as told, walking away from his friend who was chasing after the spinning corps still. The Grenadier ended up missing the shill scream from Bob as two gears began to chase after him, only to become distracted by the spinning corps.


End file.
